The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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