I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
