Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
