There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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