Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
