also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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