He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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