i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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