Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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