Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
