I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
