he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
