well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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