He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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