Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
