He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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