Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
