stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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