She is in my trunk
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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