I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
