i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
two words: eviction party
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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