I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
