I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I could make wine with my vomit
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
