gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
