I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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