No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
