I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
