nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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