My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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