so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We are two peas in an std pod
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
