omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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