1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is not my ceiling
I could make wine with my vomit
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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