Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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