Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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