I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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