he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
