When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
