I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
