please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
