U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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