you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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