I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
