he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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