I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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