Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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