I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
