He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
