if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
