im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he puts the penis in happiness.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
