I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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